The Character Alignments of New Minnesota State Fair Foods, Rated

The Minnesota State Fair is rapidly approaching, and it is high time to prepare yourself (and your stomach) for the food that is coming. There is always a ton of food to pick from each year, and to make it easier for you, I’ve rated the moral alignments for some of the new food coming your way in 2018.

Lawful Good: Triple Chocolate Strawberry Shortcake

Triple Chocolate Strawberry Shortcake

Nothing mind-blowing about this shortcake, but it will warm your soul.  Minnesota State Fair

This delightful treat is exactly what you expect to see when you hear the name. It offers a bit of both with its sweet and savory aspects and puts that little silver lining in your day. This is a fine presentation of Lawful Good.

Lawful Neutral: Blueberry Rhubarb Cobbler

Blueberry Rhubarb Cobbler

No law breaking here—just berry goodness! Minnesota State Fair

While similar to Lawful Good in both of them being desserts, this cobbler here maintains neutrality with a light balance of fruit and carbs. All the delight of the shortcake, none of the guilt.

Lawful Evil: Zesty PB&J Sausage

Zesty PB&J Sausage

Sausage Law: put meat into a skin tube, add spices, heat, and enjoy. Some Lawful Evil guy: imma put some peanut butter and jelly in there. Minnesota State Fair

While some may ask how any food can be evil, let me give you the answer. This food item—I’m not really sure whether I should call this a lunch, a snack, or an abomination—follows the order of being a sausage, no argument there. Where the evil sneaks in is what is put into it: peanut butter and jelly. If you need further explanation of this atrocity of both the sanctimony of sausage and the paragon of a PB&J, well then, just eat it and see for yourself.

Neutral Good: Earth Wings

Earth Wings

Chicken wings without the chicken. It’s even good toward the animals. Minnesota State Fair

Fresh cauliflower pieces dipped in a seasoned batter, deep-fried and smothered in organic sesame BBQ sauce. With a state fair food that’s also vegan and gluten free, you have something that is Neutral Good to anyone—even the chickens!

True Neutral: Honey Cream Soda Float

Honey Cream Soda Float

It’s sweet, but not bold. Mild, but memorable. Behold: True Neutral. Minnesota State Fair

This honey cream soda poured over Minnesota-grown honey ice cream is the pure middle ground of food. But don’t be fooled: I predict it will still keep you coming back for more with its sweet allure.

Neutral Evil: Messy Giuseppe

Messy Giuseppe

This bad boy will make a mess of anyone, no exceptions. Minnesota State Fair

A blend of seasoned ground beef and Italian pork sausage smothered in marinara, sprinkled with parmesan cheese and served on crusty Italian bread. This handful will make a mess no matter what—like a Husky left alone in a room with a garbage can, or furniture, or just left alone at all.

Chaotic Good: BBQ Split

BBQ Split

Have you ever wanted a banana split, but for lunch? Well, here you go. Minnesota State Fair

With the creativity of a banana split and a practicality even parents won’t say no to, the BBQ Split features scoops of BBQ pulled pork, mac and cheese, and coleslaw served side by side with a pickle spear. It’s a manageable amount of chaos, served with a garnish. (But for real, you can keep the pickle.)

Chaotic Neutral: Pepperoni Chips with Roasted Red Pepper Queso

Pepperoni Chips with Roasted Red Pepper Queso

Sure, you can turn pepperoni into a chip and eat it with cheese, but should you? (Yes. Yes you should.) Minnesota State Fair

This dish is the kind of food science no one asked for, only because we didn’t know we needed it. An easy snack to keep you walking. Low carb, too!

Chaotic Evil: Rainbow Cloud Roll

Rainbow Cloud Roll

So much rainbow a unicorn would wince. Science has truly gone too far. Minnesota State Fair

Nowhere else will you find a more wretched hive of sugar and more sugar. This ice-cream burrito with a cotton-candy tortilla and Fruity Pebbles garnish is the epitome of unhealthy food. I am genuinely surprised that this was not also deep-fried somehow.

Check out the full list of new Minnesota State Fair foods here and let us know in the comments: which one will you choose, adventurer?

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